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The JLo Factor
Slit to there, there, there and there -- JLo began an "everything on display" trend
with her polarising jungle green Versace at the 2000 Grammys, causing double-
sided tape sales to skyrocket, and potential for nipple slips and knicker flashing
to increase 500 percent.
Pants about 50 sizes too big that barely stayed on? Cher Horowitz (Alicia
Silverstone in Clueless) said it best: "I mean, come on -- it looks like they just fell
out of bed, put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair, cover it up with
a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!"
Low rise jeans and g-strings are a dangerous combination in the wrong hands.
There's no denying Kath and Kim was incredibly clever, but some viewers must
have missed the irony. Kim's fashion prowess illuminated the whale tail, that is,
the g-string deliberately sitting above the jean line, creating a shape not unlike a
friendly Blue Whale waving goodbye. Ugh.
Nothing says "jerk" quite as quickly and accurately as a turned-up collar. Boys:
this is not Happy Days and you are not the Fonz.
Nothing dampens a luxury label quite like mass-market coverage. Murakami for
Louis Vuitton initially boosted the label back into stead, before being trampled into
the earth with copies both ugly and remarkably accurate. Aside from the debates
regarding intellectual property, there's nothing luxurious about a toddler carrying
a faux cherry blossom purse on the end of her chubby arm.
Skirts over pants
Does my ass look fat in this? Yes. You've got a slinky skirt over bulky jeans and it
looks like you're wearing a nappy. sm
These trends have been
on the lam for quite a
while -- but we must remain
vigilant lest they rear
their ugly heads again.
Pop culture tees are fairly self-explanatory -- adopt a line from a popular
film or TV show, wear it on your front.
Not only is the general public made aware of your political leanings
(Pedro), but also they re aware you re hilarious and well informed enough to
have seen an independent movie which grossed a measly $44.5 million in
the US alone.
But in terms of pure, unadulterated ugly, there s no going past the
gag shirt. If I were an honest person, I d admit to owning more than one
of these over the past few years, perhaps gems like "I m out of bed and
dressed, what more do you want of me?" and "Blondes have more fun, but
brunettes can read". Unfortunately, I m a born liar.
The crux of the matter is, gag shirts are perceived as a personality
shortcut. It s an easy label for women who wish to make it known they are
high maintenance "I m a princess, that s why!"; for those who are single
"Who needs brains when you have these?"; and most of all, by everyone
who wishes to be perceived as terribly funny without even opening their
mouth. Problem being, gag shirts aren t, and were probably composed by
one-handed monkeys who didn t "get" Frasier.
The native gag t-shirt wearers -- nerds. It s their uniform, and I wouldn t
begrudge them part of their identity. And while some slogan tees are still
funny ("To err is human, to arr is pirate"), they still run the risk of being
decimated by their humourless compatriots -- it s guilt by association, and
unless you have impeccable t-shirt taste and are actually amusing, it s a
Juicy Couture tracksuits (with "honey" written across the ass); trucker caps
(and their "ironic" slogans).
in terms of pure,
there is no going
past the gag shirt
For those detemined to steer clear of fashion disasters for the next 10 years,
the international runways are always worth monitoring with an eagle eye.
Consider them your personal CCTV -- it's there that beautiful ideas are born...
before being adopted by the high street labels and devolved beyond
recognition into something cheaply made and regrettable.
Take, for example, temporary tattoos.
No longer the domain of children, rub on tatts have made their way into
the world of fashion. Sent down the Chanel catwalks in Spring, they're pretty
fabulous. Elegant, wearable illustrations that work only because they're beau-
tifully drawn. But the clones are bound to come -- easily accessible materials,
cheap technology, but without the Chanel finesse: mainstream temporary
tatts will ultimately deploy a troop of Amy Winehouses. Shudder. So remain
on your guard, Scoop readers -- don't be drawn into the zombie stares. And
don't feed them after midnight.
146 SCOOP AUTUMN 2010
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